Puns have always made me laugh. Each one gives me a touch of brilliance when I read it. I could go on reading puns all day if I wasn't distracted by the whole "life" thing. Anyway, these are the some puns that I found. They'll have you smiling in seconds!
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
War doesn’t determine who is right, only who is left.
A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A thief who stole a calendar. . . got twelve months.
A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
Acupuncture : . . . a jab well done.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right
now.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the
balls to do it.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into
it.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
He used to be a banker, but then he lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
He stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on him.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection; urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
He dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on
words.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.When his
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.
Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their
noses run.
When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his
work.
I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get
thinner there.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct
itself.
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of
his sentence.
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in
higher powers.
It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.
I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a
little whine.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand
behind.
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the
point?
I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my
kleptomania.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
War doesn’t determine who is right, only who is left.
A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A thief who stole a calendar. . . got twelve months.
A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
Acupuncture : . . . a jab well done.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right
now.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the
balls to do it.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
it.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
He used to be a banker, but then he lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
He stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on him.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection; urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
He dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on
words.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.When his
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.
Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their
noses run.
When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his
work.
I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get
thinner there.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct
itself.
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of
his sentence.
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in
higher powers.
It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.
I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a
little whine.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand
behind.
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the
point?
I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my
kleptomania.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
(You may now applaud)
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